Critique #59: Erin Underwood #2
Kevin Andrew Murphy August 22nd, 2006
The headaches were starting again. The familiar painful pinch behind Sara’s
eyes and the cascade of rainbow colored lights running down the edge of her
peripheral vision warned her to take a pill. Obediently, she pulled the
brown plastic Naproxen bottle from her purse.
The bottle was light, too light for her liking and the sound of jangling
pills was noticeably absent. Her hands began shaking as she twisted the cap
open confirming her fear. It was empty. Why hadn’t she phoned in the refill?
Because John dropped the botched Kinsky order on my desk before I could call
the pharmacy and then I forgot, she thought.
John had been standing inside her cubicle holding the cancelled order above
her head. The word “declined” was written in red ink next to the credit card
number.
“Call now,” John demanded, “or the deal is dead and your quota is in the
tank for the third straight month. And you know the rule.”
“Third time is a charm,” she responded while silently wishing he would go to
hell.
“Just make the call,” he said dropping the order on her desk, “and save the
sale or you’re out the door.”
She couldn’t save the sale and she didn’t order her meds. What a way to end
the week, the month, and her short career as a software sales rep.
I like this, though I’d insert a comma after open, before confirming. It starts right off with a problem, vividly and cleanly described, and the problem worsens. I would turn the page.
I would hyphenate “rainbow colored.” Also, this bit: “Because John dropped the botched Kinsky order on my desk before I could call the pharmacy and then I forgot, she thought” threw me. It looked like a switch from third to first person in the middle of a paragraph, up until I read those last two words and reevaluated. I wished it had been in italics or something (and maybe in the original manuscript, it is).
Otherwise, it has a good sense of place and is well-written. Nice job.
I’m intrigued and would definitely keep reading. My only quibble is that the prose feels a bit loose, and I’m not sure what’s going on with the botched order. Did Sara write the wrong credit card number? And if it’s a major order that she botched, why a credit card and not a purchase order? In other words, I like the story setup, I just think it’s not quite snapped into focus.
“I forgot, she thought,” also rhymes.
Still, I’d turn the page.
This is great. Thanks so much for the feedback. As usual, it’s very helpful!
The funny thing about that line of thought at the end of the second paragraph is that I wasn’t sure how to turn it into italics. So, I just tagged “she thought” at the end of the line to avoid any POV misunderstandings.
My comment is based on assumtions about who you want the character to be, so if I am wrong, please ignore.
So far I don’t like the main character alot. She is sarcastic to John, who is blunt but not unreasonable in demanding she do her job. In the last passage she is complaining about two problems that she was responsible for (not doing her job well and forgeting to call to renew her prescription). But maybe there is a reason she isn’t taking responsibility?
Hi Vivian, thanks for the comments. I didn’t realize that I was showing Sara as not taking responsibility for her actions. That’s definitely not a view I want to present.
I was trying to describe one of those days that just gets away from a person until the point where everything starts to crash. I’ll see what I can do to make this more clear since the rest of the piece hinges on Sara’s ability to keep herself from a mental breakdown as the world around her collapses.
For what it’s worth, I didn’t find Sara unsympathetic. I was not certain that it was her fault that the deal was botched; in fact, I thought perhaps she was being put in a position to fix someone else’s mistake. As for running out of medication–who hasn’t been distracted and forgotten to call in a scrip? I also felt that John (be he never so much her boss) was rude, insisting on talking to her while she was on the phone. Sara’s mild snip at him (”Third time is the charm”) didn’t feel particularly sarcastic to me. I got the sense that Sara’s in one of those pinches where nothing is going right. Frankly, I’d be less interested in her if she sulked because she was the author of her own downfall.
Hi Erin. First, I apologize for being too blunt myself in my critique. I’ve been feeling a little guilty about it.
Second, I have a suggestion regarding the plot you mentioned in the above comment. This plot looks pretty intriguing. Based only on my personal preferences, there is something I’d keep an eye out for. I sometimes skip the ‘descending’ part of stories when things keep getting worse. (At least when treated seriously, comedy is another matter). I think this is mainly because of a lack of anticipation; when it feels as if nothing is going to change before reaching the bottom. I’m not exactly sure why the descents that keep my attention do so. Your story looks to be a rewarding process.
Nice work. I’ve seen daze like this (not a typo - ahhah).
Pet Peeve note - I’m not a big fan of the work “began” unless it leads immediately to an interruption. Also I think “began”s cover up opportunities to do something else with the action.
If I may:
Her hands shook as she twisted* the cap…
*(twisted - fumbled with, fought, some other word to paint struggle, pain or difficulty - the twist was a dance.)
If “she began to twist the cap” and the bottle broke off, the sharp plastic slicing her hand - that is a continuation in action. A result of the beginning.
A minor note of personal preferences - this is a very good sketch of someone having a bad day and I am interested.