Comments on: Critique #61: Harry Conolly

By: Vivian Francis

Vivian Francis — Sun, 27 Aug 2006 19:08:54 +0000

Reading this I had the feeling I’d skipped the first couple of paragraphs, which would have sort of grounded me with info such as where the characters are and what they are doing.

I’m definitely interested in the characters and what is going to happen on the next page.

By: August

August — Fri, 25 Aug 2006 00:10:34 +0000

I have a personal bias against unnamed characters. I’m always left wondering why the author doesn’t out and out name them. Like here where Altane has ‘realized who the man is.’ If Altane knows, why can’t we?

Stylistically, it wasn’t the clauses that speedbumped me but that you jumped time in the story without the corresponding jump in verb tense.

In these paragraphs you begin with a statement that Altane knows who the guy is (in past tense) and then the next few sentences recount how Altane came to discover it. I had to read it a couple of times before I understood that you had jumped into the past of the past. Should be “had led,” “when they had arrived,” etc. Past of the past tense, aka past perfect.

It almost seems like you could just ax the first sentence. Start the story in the past tense and keep it there if you don’t want to do past perfect tense. Then it also seems less affected that you haven’t named him because then we come to discover who he is when Altane does.

Is Laurent a Holder?

Interesting premise — keep going.

By: Katharine Kerr

Katharine Kerr — Thu, 24 Aug 2006 17:39:23 +0000

Harry, feel free to re-post your revision should you want to.

By: Harry Connolly

Harry Connolly — Thu, 24 Aug 2006 16:51:27 +0000

Thanks very much for your input. I was feeling dissatisfied with that opening, but I couldn’t quite figure out why. Reading these comments has been like having someone tell me the name of the spice I was tasting but couldn’t identify.

Thanks!

By: Beth

Beth — Thu, 24 Aug 2006 13:22:04 +0000

Harry, I think there’s powerful tension in this opening–the emotions are vivid, and the setting and world are beautifully portrayed in just a few lines. I would definitely keep reading.

That said, the first paragraph gave me a lot of trouble. I agree with Katharine about the construction, which sounded overly convoluted to my ear.

But I was also confused about Altane’s reaction. You say he hated the other man “realized who the other man was.” Altane then tells us he believed the man to be a tenant, which (to me) implies that he hated him because of his attitude and his superior rank. Then we find out the man is really a servant. Are you saying he hates the man because they are both servants? Perhaps that gets cleared up in the next sentence, but right now, I’m a bit puzzled.

I’m thinking that if you rewrite the first paragraph in a more straightforward style, you’d fix both problems. (That is, if you think they’re problems. *g*)

By: Katharine Kerr

Katharine Kerr — Wed, 23 Aug 2006 22:50:24 +0000

Harry, this is a good idea and well-developed, but the prose needs some work.

From the moment Altane realized who the other man was

The word order here does provide emphasis, but you’ve got a clause within a clause, a construction that often comes across as clunky. I should know, I tend to fall into them myself. How about something like “Altane hated him the moment he realized who he was.”

The next two sentences are also “clause stacks,” my personal term for them. There is nothing technically wrong with doing this, but they do slow the pace. I’d suggest varying them with simpler sentence.

I do like the feeling of resentment and the social comment here, things one doesn’t find in enough medieval-based fantasy.