Comments on: Critique #62 Aliette de Bodard

By: Michael Greenhut

Michael Greenhut — Sat, 09 Sep 2006 03:49:02 +0000

I have two comments — I think “Or she is nothing.” can be tacked onto the preceding sentence with a comma, otherwise it comes across as too choppy (IMO). As for “Living on is harder than committing suicide on a funeral pyre.” — can you think of a way to show that instead of tell it?

Other than that, a decent beginning.

By: Aliette de Bodard

Aliette de Bodard — Tue, 29 Aug 2006 17:40:06 +0000

Thanks a lot for the comments! I’ll be sure to address them in the rewrite.

By: Katharine Kerr

Katharine Kerr — Sun, 27 Aug 2006 21:15:28 +0000

I would turn the page on this. You do need, I think, more sensory detail to set the scene — not a lot, mind, but some. I liked the way you sketched in the very real plight of a widow in India with Sahani’s thoughts. Though it still happens in remote areas, Sahti is no longer legal — perhaps you need to establish when this scene is taking place, too.

About that beast — where in India does Sahani live? In the northeast corner her thought would probably have been “tiger!” rather than an extended simile. In many areas, there are crocodiles and crocodilians of other species (my memory has repressed the name of the ones with really long snouts) that present a real threat along the riverbanks. Packs of half-starved wild dogs are another problem, or so I’ve heard, common enough to scare the daylights out of a solitary person at night. Anyway, with real threats from wild beasts a big possibility, I don’t think Sahani would pause there. I think she’d run like hell for the village.

The “as if” simile does not automatically mark someone’s writing as amateur, btw. It’s been in use by the Reputable since Homer, after all. However, it -is- less vivid than a direct description would be.

By: Vivian Francis

Vivian Francis — Sun, 27 Aug 2006 19:17:47 +0000

I’ve been pulled into this story, and am interested in Sahani. Two things, first the sudden appearance of a beast doesn’t seem to fit; maybe you need more build up to it. And a minor point, describing the saris as cotton seems to be outside her point-of-view. I’m not sure she would be considering their material, unless, for example, she used to have silk ones when her husband was alive.

By: memeticmagic

memeticmagic — Sun, 27 Aug 2006 09:49:09 +0000

Hi. SO what does ‘night in India’ look like? Sounds? Is it hot or humid, dry or monsoon time? Is Sahani bitter, angry, aloof - how do we know? Lastly, a personal thing, ‘as if some…’ and assorted similies - cut them and find a better way to say it - they reek of amateur writing. But what’s here is startight into the action, and i’d liek to find out more - is she at risk now she’s outside society? Hmm. Good luck.