Comments on: Critique #63 Margery Casares http://www.deepgenre.com/wordpress Writing and Reading. Commerce and Art. Fantasy and Science Fiction. Discuss. Thu, 20 Nov 2008 16:47:28 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.3 By: Vivian Francis http://www.deepgenre.com/wordpress/damon-knight/critique-63#comment-2076 Vivian Francis Tue, 29 Aug 2006 15:47:37 +0000 http://www.deepgenre.com/wordpress/damon-knight/critique-63/#comment-2076 There are a lot of interesting story-lines here. My main thought is that the story-lines (topics) aren't being developed to their full potential (within that particular paragraph) before you move on to the next story-line/topic. Consider telling us more about 'the children of wrath.' Maybe images the POV character has of them when he hears his uncle read about about them. Giving us more about 'the children of wrath' will make for a stronger comparison when the POV character compares himself and his friend to them. Also consider giving us more specifics about what scares Junior Lee in the second paragraph. The connection between this and The POV character loving his friend wasn't clear for me. Does he feel bad for his friend? There are a lot of interesting story-lines here. My main thought is that the story-lines (topics) aren’t being developed to their full potential (within that particular paragraph) before you move on to the next story-line/topic.

Consider telling us more about ‘the children of wrath.’ Maybe images the POV character has of them when he hears his uncle read about about them. Giving us more about ‘the children of wrath’ will make for a stronger comparison when the POV character compares himself and his friend to them.

Also consider giving us more specifics about what scares Junior Lee in the second paragraph. The connection between this and The POV character loving his friend wasn’t clear for me. Does he feel bad for his friend?

]]> By: Katharine Kerr http://www.deepgenre.com/wordpress/damon-knight/critique-63#comment-2040 Katharine Kerr Sun, 27 Aug 2006 21:35:47 +0000 http://www.deepgenre.com/wordpress/damon-knight/critique-63/#comment-2040 You don't need that subtitle, really. You've caught a dialect tone of voice in the actual text, rather nicely as far as I can tell, and the boy's age comes across as well as it needs to, too. Is the year being 1935 crucial to the story? If so, try working it into the actual text. In these few lines it's clear that the characters are living in poverty, and you can doubtless add a few details to make it clear that the Great Depression is still raging. All in all, well done. I'd turn the page. You don’t need that subtitle, really. You’ve caught a dialect tone of voice in the actual text, rather nicely as far as I can tell, and the boy’s age comes across as well as it needs to, too. Is the year being 1935 crucial to the story? If so, try working it into the actual text. In these few lines it’s clear that the characters are living in poverty, and you can doubtless add a few details to make it clear that the Great Depression is still raging.

All in all, well done. I’d turn the page.

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