Comments on: Critique # 65 Kit Marr http://www.deepgenre.com/wordpress Writing and Reading. Commerce and Art. Fantasy and Science Fiction. Discuss. Sat, 10 Jan 2009 03:35:15 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.7 hourly 1 By: Theo Neel http://www.deepgenre.com/wordpress/damon-knight/critique-65/comment-page-1/#comment-2748 Theo Neel Fri, 01 Sep 2006 23:15:41 +0000 http://www.deepgenre.com/wordpress/damon-knight/critique-65/#comment-2748 The first sentence sounds like a writing prompt to me. Seems like you could lose it and just start with the next one. (But you already got to that conclusion, I see.) The first sentence sounds like a writing prompt to me.

Seems like you could lose it and just start with the next one. (But you already got to that conclusion, I see.)

]]> By: Madeleine Robins http://www.deepgenre.com/wordpress/damon-knight/critique-65/comment-page-1/#comment-2747 Madeleine Robins Wed, 30 Aug 2006 15:50:44 +0000 http://www.deepgenre.com/wordpress/damon-knight/critique-65/#comment-2747 Kit (Marr): exactly. Thanks. Kit (Marr): exactly. Thanks.

]]> By: Katharine Kerr http://www.deepgenre.com/wordpress/damon-knight/critique-65/comment-page-1/#comment-2746 Katharine Kerr Wed, 30 Aug 2006 08:31:02 +0000 http://www.deepgenre.com/wordpress/damon-knight/critique-65/#comment-2746 Kit, you've already seen what I was going to say about that first sentence. The rest of it works pretty well. Kit, you’ve already seen what I was going to say about that first sentence. The rest of it works pretty well.

]]> By: Kit Marr http://www.deepgenre.com/wordpress/damon-knight/critique-65/comment-page-1/#comment-2745 Kit Marr Wed, 30 Aug 2006 06:37:16 +0000 http://www.deepgenre.com/wordpress/damon-knight/critique-65/#comment-2745 Thanks, Beth. :) And Madeleine, this is great feedback. Looking at it, what drives *me* nuts about that first sentence is that it's in this weird, rather coy narrative voice, which doesn't appear anywhere else in the rest of the story. It's unnecessary, and it's going. (I find first sentences possibly the most evil and difficult bit of the whole process....) Will look at the other points and try and find a way to tweak them. Thanks! Thanks, Beth. :)
And Madeleine, this is great feedback. Looking at it, what drives *me* nuts about that first sentence is that it’s in this weird, rather coy narrative voice, which doesn’t appear anywhere else in the rest of the story. It’s unnecessary, and it’s going. (I find first sentences possibly the most evil and difficult bit of the whole process….) Will look at the other points and try and find a way to tweak them. Thanks!

]]> By: Madeleine Robins http://www.deepgenre.com/wordpress/damon-knight/critique-65/comment-page-1/#comment-2744 Madeleine Robins Wed, 30 Aug 2006 03:58:06 +0000 http://www.deepgenre.com/wordpress/damon-knight/critique-65/#comment-2744 This is, overall, very nice. There are places where you need to clean up. The first sentence drives me nuts--perhaps someone else can explain why it bothers me, beyond a certain clichéd flavor. I'm not sure what it adds to the fragment (other than to locate the scene, which could be done otherwise). Mystery suggests a bunch of things, but you don't make clear how you mean it. This is small: "ashy ketchup" didn't suggest to me ketchup in which someone had stubbed out a cigarette--I stopped to consider what the ketchup was made of, or why it had turned gray. Probably more thinking than you want your reader to do about that. Did you mean the gender of the woman's companion to be a surprise? That's valid, except that the way you've set this up, I thought at first that the "He" in the last graf was the man with the mop and bucket. It's intriguing; I would definitely read more, but I'd like it even better without that first sentence. This is, overall, very nice. There are places where you need to clean up. The first sentence drives me nuts–perhaps someone else can explain why it bothers me, beyond a certain clichéd flavor. I’m not sure what it adds to the fragment (other than to locate the scene, which could be done otherwise). Mystery suggests a bunch of things, but you don’t make clear how you mean it.

This is small: “ashy ketchup” didn’t suggest to me ketchup in which someone had stubbed out a cigarette–I stopped to consider what the ketchup was made of, or why it had turned gray. Probably more thinking than you want your reader to do about that.

Did you mean the gender of the woman’s companion to be a surprise? That’s valid, except that the way you’ve set this up, I thought at first that the “He” in the last graf was the man with the mop and bucket.

It’s intriguing; I would definitely read more, but I’d like it even better without that first sentence.

]]> By: Beth http://www.deepgenre.com/wordpress/damon-knight/critique-65/comment-page-1/#comment-2743 Beth Tue, 29 Aug 2006 19:23:40 +0000 http://www.deepgenre.com/wordpress/damon-knight/critique-65/#comment-2743 Wonderful stuff. Crisp prose, vivid details for both the characters and the setting, and a setup that intrigues me. I would definitely keep reading. Wonderful stuff. Crisp prose, vivid details for both the characters and the setting, and a setup that intrigues me. I would definitely keep reading.

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