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5 Responses to “Critique #69 Linda Dicmanis, revision”

1. # Daniel Woodson 30 Aug 2006 at 8:50 pm

   Hi Linda, here’s what I thought. NOTE: I am a complete novice, and in no way a published writer, so everyone please feel free to disagree with me completely - it’s better if I know for sure if I’m talking complete rubbish.

   While I think that there’s a lot of potential in this opening, there are a few things that - in my opinion - need work (though really, it’s only sentence structure). To start with, the opening line needs a bit of a rewrite. I always think that the very first words of a story (let alone the first sentence) are important, and ‘Areme leaned against a tree’ is almost enough to make me stop reading. True, it does make the introduction of the rotting corpse more shocking, but if you’re going to open with your main character up against a tree, try and make it more interesting. ‘Leaned’ it such a casual verb - why not use something like ‘hunched’ (though I’ll admit that ‘Areme hunched against the tree’ is possibly worse, but you get the idea)? Secondly, when you get to the corpse itself, the image of a body ‘hammered to a nearby trunk’ is a little off-putting. One does not hammer a corpse into anything unless the desired effect is the general pulpification [and yes I know that's not a word] of said corpse. As such, I think ‘nailed to a nearby trunk’ or something would be better.

   There are similar things throughout, so I won’t go on as much about them, but here they are:

   ‘Currawongs plucked at ribcage and eyes’ - I think I see what you were going for, but it just doesn’t sound quite right. I’d be tempted to put ‘plucked at its ribcage and eyes’, but that doesn’t sound right to me either - suggestions, anyone?

   ‘Beaks punctured flesh; clacked against bone’ - lose the semi-colon and either have a comma or ‘and’. The sentence doesn’t really flow well otherwise.

   ‘Shifting slightly, Areme eased the press of irregular knots of rough bark through the leather of his tunic’ - too convoluted. It’s the repeated use of ‘of’ that does it; I’d get rid of the ‘irregular knots of’ altogether and just have ‘the press of rough bark’, or ‘knotted bark’ if you want to keep the knots. Indeed, you could get away with ‘the press of rough, knotted bark’ if that’s any better.

   ‘rumble of approaching wagons’ - my issue here is with the word ‘wagons’. It always makes me think of the wild west, and since we’re by a forest track, that doesn’t work. Maybe carriages or something would be better?

   ‘Gierdor, with his three chins of hanging pink flesh’ - the hanging pink flesh creates a strange image for me. I think it’s the word ‘flesh’ that does it. I’d prefer ‘Gierdor, with his three chins’ or ‘three hanging chins’ etc, but there’s nothing specifically wrong there.

   ’sat in the shade of the carcass’ - this only works if the carcass is hanging from something (and hence casting a shadow); the carcass is currently hammered into a tree trunk.

   Don’t get me wrong, it’s far from all bad - ‘Wrapped in a patched, straw-hued Ameran cloak, he looked fat, amiable, and poor – a beggar willing to sell a tale for coin’ is much more like it, though the beggar willing to sell a tale for coin is possibly a little cliché.

   ‘This man was the wealthiest zingar in the kingdom, and therefore - by default - the wiliest’ - fine, but get rid of ‘and therefore - by default -’. Find another way to introduce that fact if it’s important to the story, because it breaks up the sentence too much at the moment.

   Lastly, ‘Geirdor’s latest trick’ doesn’t really work for me - there’s almost an implied ‘mwahaha’ after it. I think you’re trying to show that Geirdor is ruthless and wily, but three words don’t quite seem to encompass that idea.

   Anyway, as you can tell I have a tendency to go on too much and it probably sounds like I hate your piece, which I most definitely don’t. Just reorganise some of it here and there, and I think you’ll have a huge improvement.

   Hope that helps.

2. # Daniel Woodson 30 Aug 2006 at 9:19 pm

   Sorry, in my ramblings I forgot one thing - ‘the sweet-sick smell’ definitely needs changing. If you really want to keep it, then I’d suggest ’sickly-sweet smell’, but it just doesn’t seem right for the smell of a rotting corpse to me. I really am done now.

3. # Katharine Kerron 30 Aug 2006 at 9:51 pm

   Rotting meat stinks, no doubt about that. “sweet” is not a word I’d use, even heavily modified.

   I had assumed Artheme was human until he “stretched his ears.” Is he a dog-like sapient? If not, you need a different verb.

   Linda, this rework does show improvement, however. Don’t get discouraged.

4. # Theoon 31 Aug 2006 at 12:33 pm

   Linda, nice, intriguing opening.

   Some word tweaks — “stretched ears” conjured the wrong image. “Shade of the carcass” was hard to visualize. “By default” is unnecessary.

   Technically, how the corpse smells depends on how fresh it is. So, “sweet-sick” evokes fresh but rotting doesn’t. If the corpse is something these two guys just did, then it won’t be rotting (yet) but the open wounds caused by the carrion will have a faint sweet (fresh meat) smell to them.

   Finally, you mention that the fat guy is a slave trader who kills what he can’t sell. Then next paragraph, the guy on the tree is one his own henchmen but pointedly say that the guy wasn’t a thief. I would have expected him not to have been a slave, instead.

   Nice job overall. Interesting enough to make me want to go on.

5. # Linda Dicmanison 08 Sep 2006 at 2:59 am

   Thanks Daniel- that was a LOT of help. I’ve reposted it again - yes - I can hear you groaning already.

   Thanks everyone - I incorporated most suggestions.

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