Critique #7: Larry Hammer
Katharine Kerr June 23rd, 2006
“Atalanta’s Races”
The birth went badly. First the mother died,
Bleeding till she was gone, as if exchanged
For his new life. But then the baby cried
In fits and starts till he too stopped, short-changed,
Leaving father and other wife deranged–
Too deeply grieved to even think about
Replacing the spouse they lost. They’d do without.
But while Aegina’s laws allowed a time
For mourning, customs bore up their decree:
Two wives per husband. This odd paradigm
Arose when Zeus restored a plagued society
By changing ants to women at a plea–
A shift with large effects, as you can guess,
And their domestic triple life attests.
Larry,
Good to see you here.
There’s some funkiness with the formatting, but that’s the fault of the transcription, so I’ll just go on to the poetry.
Narrative verse does not get a pass on bland exposition in place of what should be a major dramatic scene. Everything goes fine with the narrative until you get to the rhyme-driven “short-changed.” I know what you mean, but this metaphor for this situation? Imagine a doctor coming out and saying to the distraught husband and co-wife, “I’m sorry, but the infant was short-changed.” Short-changed? Have the Fates suddenly become disreputable cabbies?
Now, this might explain why the husband and co-wife are “deranged” in the next line, but surely you mean “distraught and grief-stricken”? Or has the second wife suddenly had flashbacks to her life as an ant? “The eggs! We must save the eggs! Give me a leaf to chew! Husband, cling to the ceiling so I may fill your ass with honey!”
That would be deranged. If that’s not what’s happening, or something very similar, you’re just using another rhyme-driven cheat.
Anyway, rather than deal with their grief–the interesting meaty stuff here–you just shuffle off into more exposition about the wonky laws and how the extra women were originally ants. An interesting story but one I’m certain the ancient Greeks put as much credence in as the idea that babies are found under cabbage leaves or delivered by storks. The myth can go in there somewhere, but later, after we hear some more about the grief-stricken widower and widow.
This may be a direct translation of someone’s epic, but if so, the words you’ve chosen are not as engaging as the original. Moreover, you audience isn’t ancient Greeks, so they won’t be as familiar with the myths you mention and they won’t resound as profoundly. You need to engage the reader with the pathos of the moment, but it’s not as if there isn’t plenty of it here to milk.
Best on revisions,
Kevin
My problem with “short-changed” is that it sounds so modern and immediately breaks the ancient mood. Coupled with deranged, there’s a faintly humorous effect which, I’m sure, is not what you want. “Domestic life” is another phrase that sounds too contemporary to me, too.
The overall concept, the two wives required in Aegina, is most interesting and should give you plenty to work with.
Thanks, both. Since you’re not the first to poke at “deranged” as being the not quite right enough word, I need to rethink that whole rhyme.
You may be right that I’m jumping to exposition too soon. This is the third story in a series, and I’ve been struggling with how to handle the backstory. Not to mention how to handle weaving my invented material into the original myths. Since the survivor’s grief and remarriage is the central narrative, it’d even be a good idea to build on it here — should have thought of that.
(I confess I like “short-changed” for exactly the reasons you both complain about. But not enough to die on that hill.)
—L.
Larry, that’s interesting about “short-changed”. Um, what effect did you want here? I personally find death in childbed to be such a fraught subject that the humoous tinge bothered me. However, if it relates to something that’s going to happen later in the poem, that’s different.
The anachronistic effect. As it happens, the narrator spends most of the poem ironic and detached, but I wasn’t actually going for faintly humorous at that moment — he’s sympathetic to the widows’ plight.
(The image does play into a running metaphor through the poem, of judging lives in monetary terms, but that’s not a strong reason to keep it, if it’s getting in the way otherwise.)
—L.
In my opinion anyway, shortchanged comes across as too ironic — it edges into humor.
Monetary terms — in those days money or its raw material metals was often weighed out as well as counted, to foil coin-shavers. You might be able to do something with that, should the idea appeal.
*nods* Atalanta’s father likes to weigh out lives.
I probably have to change the short-changed image anyway, because of that inaccurate word forced by the rhyme.
Thanks again for the fruitful feedback. BTW, how long is polite to wait before sending in another 13 lines?
—L.
Larry, you may fire off another 13 when ready, assuming they open another poem. I’d have no objection to you sending the next 13 of this one if it wouldn’t lead to others sending us 13 line bits of their stories till the stories were done — and I fear it would.
Ack — ah, no, I meant of another poem. The second 13 lines wouldn’t be the first 13, now would they? Besides, at that rate it’d take over fifty installments to get through the whole thing, and that’d be annoying for all of us.
—L.