Critique #71 Kada McDonald
Katharine Kerr August 31st, 2006
Ashlyn dithered a moment longer, then took a deep breath and opened the door of King Wilytodd’s antechamber. One look within told her that she’d never be privy to why he’d sent for her instead of the Head Groom.
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“Crap on a carbuncle!” said Galymderi, Ambassador of Nash’teld, dropping the knife and sprinting towards her.
“Oof.â€? Ashlyn fell to the floor when he barreled past her. Being at eye level with the king’s corpse somehow made it all the more horrible. The ever-widening pool of blood seemed to reach for her.
Helpless to do anything for the dead, she could at least tell the living who was responsible. Badly winded from her fall she scrambled up and set off after Galymderi. Ragged sobs stealing what little breath she could whoop into her lungs, her screams never made it out of her mouth. Unable to shout, afraid he would escape, she chased a killer. Shoving servants out of the way, ignoring their confusion, she raced downwards through the castle following the trail of angry outbursts.
ACK! The font is all funky, alternating between each paragraph!
Interesting premise - regiside is bound to make for an interesting story - but the prose needs some work.
“One look within told her that she’d never be privy to why he’d sent for her instead of the Head Groom” - there just doesn’t seem to be any particular emotion here. If I walked in on someone murdering the reigning monarch - or anyone, for that matter - I know I’d at least REACT. Ashlyn just seems to observe the events without any emotion.
“Crap on a carbuncle!â€? - it’s a very colloquial, semi-modern thing to say. It just doesn’t seem at home in what appears to be a medieval setting (though, I only say this because we are in an antechamber and the weapon is a knife - there’s not much here to tell us about the setting).
“Oof.â€? - I think the only time you can actually have your character say ‘oof’ is when you’re trying to create humour. Using it here again detracts from the emotion of the scene; Ashlyn’s just been smashed into by a fleeing killer, yet instead of careening through the air with a cry of pain or something, she just drops - she may as well have said ‘oh my’ and fainted.
“widening pool of blood seemed to reach for her” - all the lack of emotion creates the feeling that Ashlyn is in a daze, not really absorbing what’s happening. That’s great if it’s the effect you were going for, but there still needs to be something to keep the reader going too. Also, ’seemed’ to reach her - well, did it or didn’t it?
Lastly, it occurs to me that Galymderi could have just killed Ashlyn before he left, thus removing the danger of a witness. Unless you make it clear that he panics (or give some other reason for him to run), it doesn’t make sense. Though “Crap on a carbuncle!â€? implies that he was startled, the fact that he then sprints towards her gives the impression that he is about to deal with her as well.
Nevertheless, I do find myself wondering who the Nash’teld are, and I’d read on to find out what Ashlyn does to try and stop Galymderi.
Hope that helps :).
Kada, I’m not sure how that happened — which is why I’ve asked contributors to send me only plain DOS-type text.
There are two sets of problems with this submission. The first, as Daniel has already pointed out, is with the prose. The second are logic errors, one of which Daniel has also already pointed. If I were considering your submission for an anthology or magazine, it would come back to you with a form rejection letter. But of course, I’m not.
The logic errors make your opening seem contrived and implausible:
Why would the king send for an undergroom? Did he or was it some conspirator who wanted her to take the fall? Of course, discovering this might be part of the rest of the story. Kings are surrounded by servants that open doors and announce any visitor — no one just knocks and goes it.
Why doesn’t the killer just kill her? is the big one. With a deadly knife in hand, he crashed into her, but he doesn’t even cut her with it.
Why can’t she scream? Just being out of breath is no reason, particularly since she has the breath to chase the killer all through the palace. Why don’t the other servants grab a man fleeing with a bloody knife in hand?
The language errors: Ashlyn is a very modern name. As Daniel remarked, “crap on a carbuncle” doesn’t work, either. Your sentences here are confused and confusing — though straightening out the logic of the thing might go a long way on its own to fixing the prose, too. A sentence is a thought. If the thought’s confused, the sentence will be, too.
My advice would be to rework this bit from top to bottom. Start by finding a good reason for your character to walk into the king’s chambers, or have him murdered elsewhere.
The opening verb bothered me.
What does “dithered” mean?
If I was a slush reader, I would have set it aside right there.
Otherwise, some good stuff. Just think about the opening line and if it works.
I thought this was intended as comedy. If so, ‘dithered’, ‘crap on a carbuncle’ and ‘oof’ all work for me.
I’m with Vivan–if it’s a humorous story, those work, but the prose needs to be lighter, and quicker, and even in a humorous story, it’s not a good idea to have characters behaving stupidly from the gitgo. The Ambassador dropping the knife and not taking Ashlyn down with it is pretty stupid.
Luther: dithering is a legitimate verb: means to vacillate.
I’ve been thinking about the first paragraph. Since it comes right before the unexpected discovery of the King dead and the ambassador standing over him, it’s primary ‘job’ is probably to lead up to that surprise.
During the lead up paragraph(s) you don’t want to give away the surprise event (whether comedy or serious) but you do want to: 1) make the situation leading up to the surprise as clear as possible (so the reader will ‘get’ the surprise right away), and; 2) create anticipation for the upcoming event.
As it is, I think the lead up paragraph doesn’t give us enough time to process her situation before the ’surprise event’. And there are not enough details about her uncertainty regarding why the King asked for her. Why would she think the King would ask for the Head Groomsman in the first place? Is she an Under Groomsman? If not, who is she? If the information regarding the Head Groomsman isn’t necessary for this specific scene, I might leave it until later.
‘One look within told her she would never be privy…’ does create anticipation. But realistically, as pointed out before, she probably wouldn’t think that. Our anticipation could, for example, be built around what she is worrying/hoping for–is she in trouble, or getting a promotion? After she has seen what is inside, she can still think something to foreshadow what we readers are about to find out, but just in keeping with her own surprise.
I agree with Sherwood about lighter and quicker, and with all above about the need for logic. Although, my personal theory is that the Ambassador didn’t kill the King, he found him dead and panicked when Ashlyn came in. Maybe he was set up, and that was why Ashlyn was called for in the first place? Still, the running without yelling was hard to buy as written. Also, every sentence in the last paragraph begins with a clause/phrase, which might not be what you want. There are certainly comic elements here that I enjoyed.
Actually, Kada, I think you need to slow down and let us register the events - opening a door and finding a dead king is a really big deal, and it is referred to obliquely rather than directly.
Otherwise, I agree with the other comments. You can slow down the events but also make your prose lighter and quicker (if this is indeed meant as comedy/light fantasy, which is how I read it).