Critique #73 Luther Knox
Katharine Kerr September 2nd, 2006
    Roe laid prone in the position God placed her. Without care, torso twisted, limbs askew, she writhed and vibrated from the power of the Tremors. Dau and Kai rose from the back corners of the cage and crept towards their sister.
   [Dau:] What you think They did? She’s gone, numm, numm, numm, bunch of feeding times.
   Kai hadn’t eaten, hadn’t drank, sick with worry over Roe. Too many of their sisters never returned. Nose twitching, she detected a strange sharp smell mingled with blood and raw flesh. Questions, commands and emotions from other cages flooded behind Kai’s eyes, nettling for answers and information and reassurance to the fate of one. All Weese were linked as individual tiny sparks of light. From birth to death, the shared experience of Gods-Mind comforted and consoled those who believed.
Hey Luther :).
Though it did keep my interest, I’ve gotta admit that this opening confused me. You’ve got all the intrigue here with the tantalising details etc, but there’s just so little to go on that I, at least, found it hard to piece together what was actually happening.
The only way I could make sense of it was to imagine it as the story of chickens in a battery farm; somehow I think I missed the point.
Other than that, there are some prose/grammar issues - I won’t go on too much, but here are a few examples:
‘She’s gone, numm, numm, numm, bunch of feeding times’ - this just doesn’t make sense to me, plain and simple. The use of ‘nettled’ is awkward. ‘Roe laid prone in the position God placed her’ needs tweaking - I think ‘laid’ should be ‘lay’, and though I could be wrong, I think you need a ‘had’ in there somewhere too (’in the position God had placed her’?). There are other things here and there that don’t quite work, but I won’t natter.
Apart from that though, I can’t deny that I’d turn the page - the problem is that at the moment, it’d be more to satisfy frustration at the lack of description than genuine interest in the story (though don’t get me wrong, I am curious about that too).
Either way, not bad.
Luther, it looks like you’ve got an intriguing story beginning, but there are so many grammar glitches it is hard not to be propelled out of the story.
She lay prone.
Had not drunk.
Mingled with blood and flesh or with the scents of blood and flesh?
How can questions flood behind someone’s eyes, and what does “nettled” mean here as a verb? I am used to it as a synonym for ‘irritated”.
Luthor, once I purged my head of Daniel’s chickens-at-a-battery-farm image ….
As others said, it’s important to get the mechanics right. So ditto on the comments above. I’m okay with “nettled,” though, as long as you mean vexing, provoking and displeasing. If the displeasure/irritating element isn’t there, then nettle isn’t your word. I was okay with the thoughts coming in behind her eyes once I got the telepathy part.
“individual tiny sparks of light” — maybe “tiny sparks of separate light”? Dunno, something about “individual” that just clacks against my mind-ear. Not a biggie. It’s your story.
If I read this correctly, you’ve got a story about a group of beings (the Weese) who are mind-linked. Very intriguing opening.
Here’s my logic nits:
If Roe is one of the Weese, why can’t Kai and Dau connect mentally with her? Could be a good logical reason that’s explained later; could be because of the Tremors. But, “too many sisters never returned” implies that some have. If this has happened before and other sisters returned and recovered, then I’d expect them to know what has been happening.
If [a]ll Weese [are] linked as individual tiny sparks of light,” then the next sentence doesn’t work for me. In the next sentence you introduce and the element of faith which makes it sound like you have to believe in order to share/link. Maybe you mean that, for those who believed, then the shared experiences (which they all have) are comforting?
If the Weese mind-link, my expectation would be that they would be smarter together, and yet they can’t count the passage of time. This is okay, if you’ve already worked through why they would be stuck at primitive even with the ability to pull multiple minds. But if there’s no reason for why they’d be stuck at primitive, then I think the logic is going to fall apart. At this point, though, I’m intrigued enough to trust you that there will be a reason; I’m willing to wait for it and you’ve made me want to know the answer to the question.
Finally, I took the three “nums” to mean the Weese’s way of counting, as in Roe had been gone three times. But I had to think hard about it could mean. If I got “mysterious words for $300″ correct, then you might to toy with other ways to punctuate it to make it easier.
If I were the God-Editor, I would send this back to you to get the grammar right (it’s the bar), and willingly read it again when it comes back because the story itself is intriguing.
Hey, it got posted!
Ok, I’ll look at the comments in context of what the story is. Most understand that these are not humans.
I’m not going to explain - it stands or falls on its own.
Laid/lay is a curious grammer dragon but some of the other choices are because of what I am dealing with.
Theo wins the Strange Words for $300 as the Weese are still a budding sapient telepathic mind-hive and number sets haven’t been developed yet. As the story progresses, they struggle with religion, time, place, and death.
Thank you all for the comments - I’ll be back later (more of a night poster if you see my time stamps). I’ve got a book signing for a friend to attend (2-4pm Central).
Again, sorry for the confusion on my original email post.
(appologies for the battery farm image, Theo :p)
Luther, this is confusing because it’s not well-written. You need to stop, think through what you’re trying to say in each sentence, and then carefully refashion the words.
Too many adjectives increase confusion, not clarity.
My first thought on those numms was that Roe was being eaten.
I liked the idea of trying to convey the Weeses’ lack of numerical concepts the way you do. The trick is to do it and NOT trigger other dicphering mechanisms.
I agree that “num” doesn’t work. It triggers “nummy.” The punctuation and number of times it’s repeated makes it seems like it’s onomatopoeia and we’re all going to try to figure that our no matter what word you use.
So, you have to change the word, punctuation and number of times it’s repeated. Num, num, num — 3 times — you’d say that to a child. Five or six times, maybe not.
Another idea might be to use a symbol instead. They are communicating mind to mind, so, you’re really not limited to using words only. Just a thought.
Hmm, I’m guessing that part of why this is so confusing is that you want to show that the mind-hive thinks differently than we do. If you are going to show these differences, then clarity becomes even more important. We need to understand what is happening, even when told through an alien POV. It might be easiest to try limiting the big differences between them and humans to one or two points. (The one or two points that make a difference in the plot). You could also try having the hive-mind describe sensory information that doesn’t make sense to them, but that we readers could interpret as meaningful.
Ditto Katharine about Roe being eaten after the nums.
Is it not cumbersome to write -
A sharp strange smell minged with the smell of blood and flesh.
Smell being labeled twice?
Trying to establish a telepathic communal mind is alien to our esperience and some disorientation is to be expected until the reader grasp the concept. Have you seen any good methods to convey this in a 13 line format?
Lay/laid - drink/drank/drunk - I’ll double check that, thanks for the line edits.
The “nettling behind the eyes” - they have no concept of brain and the pressure of group focus from Gods-Mind has a physical consequence. The word choice is one of irratant and Kai feels it behind her eyes as the only way to describe the assault of twenty or more minds probing at once.
The POV I want to maintain is from Kai which is tricky in the traditional sence because of the hive-mind (Gods-Mind) ability for her to read base emotions and unguarded thoughts of any creature in the commune. Very alien.
I’m trying to balance the acceptance Kai feels to the conditions she lives in versus explaining all the mechanics
as an example, how would you explain to a dolphin reader how we use writing to transmit thoughts and ideas once spoken. Dolphins have a language and a concept of self but the idea of paper recorded language, frozen forever, has to be explained in their own terms.
btw, these creatures are not dolphins.
I see the info/description of the telepahic mind needs some work. Thank you all for that. I’m not sure what the solution is yet. I tried to leave a bunch of clues that I continue to develop in the piece.
Title of the piece “In Their Image”
They are all sisters.
They have noses (so they can’t be chickens - haha
The Tremors
That they are in physical contact with powerful beings they describe as Gods
Their sisters don’t return often enough to be remembered and considered
Gods-Mind is a big clue
Again, thank you for your time and attention.
Luther–
You clearly have a very specific image of this world and what you’re doing, but you haven’t found a way to convey much of it. As I read, I found myself wishing for hard copy and a red pencil, so I’ve done my best with the tools here. Some of what I’ve done may seem overly fussy (see that first sentence) but if you’re going for clarity–and you should be–then you need to fuss a little more:
Roe
laidlay prone in the position in which God had placed her.Without care(Note: sounds carefree, which I’m sure is not what you meant) Torso twisted, limbs askew, she writhed and vibrated from the power of the Tremors (Note: the initial cap seems a little precious, unless you immediately establish what the tremors are). Dau and Kai rose from the back corners of the cage and crept towards their sister.[Dau:] What you think They did? She’s gone, numm, numm, numm, bunch of feeding times. (Note: I get the telepathy, but what’s being conveyed is murky–she’s been gone through several meal times? she’s gone several meal times without eating? she’s made a “numm numm” noise at dinner time?)
Kai hadn’t eaten, hadn’t
drankdrunk, sick with worry over Roe. Too many oftheir(Note: since you’re speaking from Kai’s POV, it’s her sisters you’re talking about) sisters never returned. Nose twitching, she detected a strange sharp smell mingled with the scent of blood and raw flesh.Questions, commands andEmotions (Note: this strengthens the telepathy angle–particularly as its a non-verbal communication) from other cages flooded behind Kai’s eyes,nettling for answers and information and reassurance to the fate of oneI think what you’re trying to convey is that all the others are seeking answers, information and reassurance as to the fate of the lost one; you’ll need to recast the sentence to be clearer). All Weese were linked as individual tiny sparks of light. From birth to death, the shared experience of Gods-Mind (God’s-Mind?) comforted and consoled those who believed. (Note: are you suggesting that telepathy is limited to those who believe?)Luther, it’s good stuff.
It’s one of those paradoxes of sci fi. We try to write aliens but find that, when we do, the stuff is too alien for most readers. Most readers can only stomach a few differences (as Vivian suggested).
Thank you Madeleine for the full line edit.
I’m not the sensitive type to cringe from direction. I may not adopt it all, but I do appreciate it and respect the time you took to help me. This is good feedback.
The their comment is a very important one in a slip of POV. I’ll comb the whole manuscript looking for that.
It’s an ambitious piece and to cram so much information in a short space is risking losing some readers. The full story has creeped over the 5k mark but it needs more flesh on the bones.
Theo, I’ve got a couple of local hard crit groups, one Spec Fic specific and the other literary oriented. Both have commented on the power of the final tableau. I need to work on getting more people to buy the premise early. Thanks for your support.
The “numm, numm, numm is Dau counting the feeding times since Roe was taken away. Many human cultures did not develop a complete counting systems and used words for One, Two, “Few Many”, “More Many” and “Many Many” as the only way to identify groups of things. The concept of a symbol for Zero, the null set, in counting was adopted by the West after the Dark Ages if I am not mistaken.
Roe is unconscious in the opening scene.
Luther, you’re welcome.
Re the numm, numm, numm. Looks like those particular words trigger understanding in a reader’s mind, making it hard for you to stick the understanding that you want in there. I’m stumped on suggesting non-words that would avoid that.
Since they are mind-talking, symbols could work, too. Symbols like [ [ [ or \\\ or ••• So, not numbers.
Symbolic representations of concepts (glyphs) preceded synthetic, abstract writing (alphabets), so symbols might be fitting.
The “numm, numm, numm is Dau counting the feeding times since Roe was taken away.
I thought perhaps this was the case. The simplest thing to do, since you’ve made the word up, is to use something else that doesn’t sound…um…food-related.
You’re presenting a complex where-and-when to your reader; your details essentially guide the reader in building that where-and-when in her (or his) head. Anything that distracts from the reader getting the picture you want to build (like a word that brings up unintended associations) is counterproductive. You may not have those associations yourself, but if a number of people tell you they’re being distracted, it’s important to listen.
By the way: I was told once that the human mind can take in up to five objects and know their number; over five reads as “many” unless you actually count them.
I agree that the “numms” are problematic. That will change.
I will have to think about how to present it so that a concrete number set is not given.
“She’s been gone one, another, another, another, ahhh, more bunch of feeding times”
Dau is dim-witted and it is shown in the story. I want to establish her limits so she can’t “count” as high as Kai or Roe could conceptualize.
The name “Weeses” has its own problems. I suspect you derive it from “us, we,” since members of this species are so closely linked. But it sounds too much like “wheeze”, a connotation we don’t want here.
It also reminds me of a very funny parody of archaeology, THE WEANS, by the same feeling who did CATHEDRAL and other picture books . . . my memory for names is going, definitely. In this book archaeologists of the future are digging up the remains of America and decide that its people are the We-ans, because all along the highways you find signs proclaiming US.
Weese
“We, the Meece” (Mice) a corruption in terms. The awakening sapient telepathic group mind leaches symbols/words from close contact with the human lab assistants (gods).
This is chosen specifically as an indicator that they (the Weese) know jangled pieces and parts of the world in which they were created. As readers get into the story, they figure out that the creatures are lab mice and the name seems to tie in better with that knowledge.
It would be difficult for me to change their group name now, but if an editor wanted to buy the story and it depended on calling them “Dougs” then search and replace is just a click away - ahhahh.
The “Weans” is funny.