Critique #76: Elizabeth Anne Hull

Katharine Kerr September 8th, 2006

The twin suns rose over carmine cliffs to Azriel’s east, a red glow casting long shadows in the valley below. Light caught on one of the surveillance vids slowly rotating above the hacienda, giving the lens a baleful red eye. She liked the quiet of dawn more for the absence of people than the colors.
 
Three days of watching and no sign of her target gave her some downtime. The controllers didn’t like angels to have downtime but this couldn’t be helped. Either necessary downtime happened or the controllers would need to recruit more angels from the ranks of deviants. Angels cost too much for the money mogul controllers to create at will. Besides, a small number of angels still put fear into the population without causing metal riots. Gods help anyone thought to be squandering metal.
 
Sunlight crept over her position and Azriel responded by slowing down her metabolism. She had burrowed under the low trailing branches of a blue-leafed gungua bush for the shade she would need when the suns hit their zenith. Heat stirred a pungent citrus aroma from the leathery leaves. The soft orange dirt carved into a comfortable hollow with the help of her hunting knife.

5 Responses to “Critique #76: Elizabeth Anne Hull”

  1. # Sherwood Smithon 08 Sep 2006 at 10:56 pm

    I am just all over this story. angels, high tech, visual details–I can hardly wait to read more.

  2. # kateelliotton 08 Sep 2006 at 11:15 pm

    I like this. Some good details here, and an intriguing premise.

    My question: do you really need the last three sentences in the second paragraph? Feels like too much telling/background dump before we need it. You’re already pulling us into the story with the basic situation. If that background info can wait, I’d hold it for later.

  3. # Madeleine Robinson 09 Sep 2006 at 1:18 am

    I agree with Kate: that second paragraph has a lot of interesting data in it, but it’s too much for the very beginning of the story. But what you’ve got is really intriguing.

  4. # Katharine Kerron 09 Sep 2006 at 3:01 am

    The soft orange dirt carved into a comfortable hollow with the help of her hunting knife.

    A nit: it sounds like the dirt is carving itself. In this very unusual world, it’s possible that the dirt is sentient and the knife self-activating. So if they’re not, you need to clarify who’s doing the carving.

  5. # Elizabeth Hullon 09 Sep 2006 at 9:40 am

    Wow. Thank you so much guys. I am a tad blown away, here, from your kind words.

    I see the point about the telling in the second para. I can break it up and dump it elsewhere in various pieces, preferably more shown than told this time around.

    The self carving dirt isn’t. That sentence needs to be rearranged to make sense. Great catch. I am very grateful to you all.

    Elizabeth.

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