Comments on: Critique #76: Elizabeth Anne Hull

By: Elizabeth Hull

Elizabeth Hull — Sat, 09 Sep 2006 13:40:46 +0000

Wow. Thank you so much guys. I am a tad blown away, here, from your kind words.

I see the point about the telling in the second para. I can break it up and dump it elsewhere in various pieces, preferably more shown than told this time around.

The self carving dirt isn’t. That sentence needs to be rearranged to make sense. Great catch. I am very grateful to you all.

Elizabeth.

By: Katharine Kerr

Katharine Kerr — Sat, 09 Sep 2006 07:01:22 +0000

The soft orange dirt carved into a comfortable hollow with the help of her hunting knife.

A nit: it sounds like the dirt is carving itself. In this very unusual world, it’s possible that the dirt is sentient and the knife self-activating. So if they’re not, you need to clarify who’s doing the carving.

By: Madeleine Robins

Madeleine Robins — Sat, 09 Sep 2006 05:18:46 +0000

I agree with Kate: that second paragraph has a lot of interesting data in it, but it’s too much for the very beginning of the story. But what you’ve got is really intriguing.

By: kateelliott

kateelliott — Sat, 09 Sep 2006 03:15:28 +0000

I like this. Some good details here, and an intriguing premise.

My question: do you really need the last three sentences in the second paragraph? Feels like too much telling/background dump before we need it. You’re already pulling us into the story with the basic situation. If that background info can wait, I’d hold it for later.

By: Sherwood Smith

Sherwood Smith — Sat, 09 Sep 2006 02:56:54 +0000

I am just all over this story. angels, high tech, visual details–I can hardly wait to read more.