Critique #78 Michael Greenhut
Katharine Kerr September 8th, 2006
When Gideon felt his stomach, a drop of blood came away on his finger.
 He sat with his back against the wall inside the abandoned
storehouse, staring at the blood under weak candlelight as he
sometimes stared at crushed spiders on the sidewalk.
  Shit. Not yet. He couldn’t bleed all over the place, not when these
brats could wake up any second and see him. Mom and Ashley would have
to wait a bit longer. Soon, he would get his ass out of this rotting
world and walk with them on the white shores of H’alamel, but not just
yet.
  He licked his finger clean, then felt the old wound a second time. Dry.
  He waited. Still dry.
  Gideon exhaled deeply, closed his eyes and murmured a prayer.
Prayers made him feel like a girl, but respect was respect. “Bless
you, Mother, for allowing me to finish my work in this life. Bless
you, Ashley, for the hope you give me that I will succeed.  Do not
feel bereaved. The river H’autran is thin and my legs are long. When
I close my eyes, I see you
I like this beginning (though my eyebrows raised at the ‘prayer made him feel like a girl’) but is there any linguistic reason for the apostrophes, which have become somewhat a cliche in fantasy? H and A divided by an apostrophe doesn’t really make linguistic sense–and there is no clue that there might be a click or glottal stop there.
My sentiments are similar to Sherwood. I’m intrigued and I would turn the page if there were more.
If you’re going to make a statement like “prayer made him feel like a girl’ then I hope I will eventually come to understand why he would phrase it that way.
And a second plea to be sparing, or linguistically thorough, in the use of apostrophes in naming conventions.
Thanks for the feedback. You’re right — I guess I got a little too Dune-ish with the apostrophes. As for prayer making him feel like a girl, don’t worry, it’s not the author’s attitude. Gideon’s a macho guy (on the surface).
Oops, let me add a bit to that so I don’t give off the impression that I’m subconsciously sexist. I’m not really that religious in real life — I don’t personally associate prayer or religion with one particular gender. However, Gideon associates prayer with primness and propriety and consider those traits to be female. I should probably find a more direct way to say that, though.
If you really want an apostrophe in the name, put it after the ‘a’. Then it could easily be a marker for a largyngeal vowel. I’d suggest just axing it, though.
No need to do it in the first 13 lines, I hasten to add. Or even in a particularly direct way. It can come out through what he says and how he behaves.
The question was more in the way of making sure you had a specific reason for phrasing it that way, and since you do, I think you’re good to go.
Some more nits:
If he’s inside the warehouse, why is he sitting on a sidewalk?
Candleight in a huge empty warehouse is bound to be weak if he only has one or two candles. Try making this more dramatic rather than hanging your lighting effect on one adjective.
The “sometimes” makes this very awkward — do you mean he looks at them now and then? Is there a reason the spiders are crushed? Were they coming for him, for instance?
A single drop of blood doesn’t seem like a lot to worry over. People can bleed more than that after scratching a bug bite. Does he have a reason why he shouldn’t bleed at all? Is he afraid the wound will open or will leaving blood behind him make it hard to work the world-shifting magic?
Thanks for the further suggestions, Catharine. Although — I didn’t say he was on a sidewalk now; “as he sometimes stared at crushed spiders on the sidewalk” was the way it should be parsed.
Katharine, even.
I’m not a fan of the “spider” line - if enough people mention it, then it needs to be cut or heavily modified.
Quote:
Shit. Not yet. He couldn’t bleed all over the place, not when these brats could wake up any second and see him. Mom and Ashley would have
to wait a bit longer. Soon, he would get his ass out of this rotting world and walk with them on the white shores of H’alamel,…
EndQuote
Agreement with others - a drop of blood isn’t “bleeding all over the place”.
“brats” are not identified,
Then “Mom and Ashley “come crashing in behind.
Did anyone have a momentary link between the two? With a further reading, it appears they are not the same. I tag it as a possible tripping point. Who the brats are remains unclear.
Back to the blood:
Why would an old wound leak one drop of blood and how did he feel the very small fluid escape? Is he recovering from some conflict or physical challenge? It feels contrived to create the effect of “setting the hook”. I need more info to understand what you are trying to present. (sniff the bait, swim away)
Credit for building a “mood” but I’m not hooked yet. I would read a little further probably, but I’m not committed.
Heh, this is actually obsolete now. I have a third revision (that was the second) that’s quite different, which maybe I’ll post at the end of the week.