Comments on: Critique #79: Linda Dicmanis 3 - revision

By: Daniel Woods

Daniel Woods — Sun, 10 Sep 2006 01:03:03 +0000

Much better - huge improvement on the last version.
Ditto Kit and Kate - that one sentence could be a little more concise, but otherwise nice work :).

By: kateelliott

kateelliott — Sat, 09 Sep 2006 03:22:33 +0000

Linda, I haven’t read the earlier versions. This definitely piques my interest. I would read on. I agree with Kit’s comment about that one sentence.

By: Katharine Kerr

Katharine Kerr — Fri, 08 Sep 2006 21:53:47 +0000

I have no idea of where all those extra lines came from. I also don’t know why Wordpress occasionally bolds things without my asking it to.

Linda, good for you for continuing to revise this passage. It really is almost there. Consider one more sentence, and no, you don’ t have to repost the entire thing again.

Shifting slightly away from the tree against which he leant, Areme eased the press of rough, knotted bark through the thin leather of his tunic

There is too much information in the phrase that starts this sentence, and it all hangs from one participle, “shifting”. I’d suggest somethng like “Areme squirmed against the tree. Through his tunic the bark felt .. . or hurt . . . or something vivid.”