Critique #79: Linda Dicmanis 3 - revision

Katharine Kerr September 8th, 2006

 

Areme ignored the sweet metal scent of the corpse nailed to a nearby trunk. Currawongs plucked at its ribcage and eyes. Beaks punctured flesh, clacking against bone. Shifting slightly away from the tree against which he leant, Areme eased the press of rough, knotted bark through the thin leather of his tunic. He stared at the forest track, listening for the rumble of approaching wagons. At the first beat of hooves, his gaze strayed to his master.

 

  

 

Gierdor, with his three hanging chins, sat in the shade cast by the carcass. Wrapped in a patched, straw-hued Omeran cloak, he looked fat, amiable, and poor – a beggar willing to sell a tale for coin. Only the first was true. This man was the wealthiest zingar in the kingdom; the wiliest slave trader and butcher in the business. What he couldn’t sell, he killed.

 

 

The corpse had been one of his men, not a thief caught by the King’s Guard and strung up as an example for the masses. Gierdor’s latest trick

3 Responses to “Critique #79: Linda Dicmanis 3 - revision”

  1. # Katharine Kerron 08 Sep 2006 at 5:53 pm

    I have no idea of where all those extra lines came from. I also don’t know why Wordpress occasionally bolds things without my asking it to.

    Linda, good for you for continuing to revise this passage. It really is almost there. Consider one more sentence, and no, you don’ t have to repost the entire thing again. :-)

    Shifting slightly away from the tree against which he leant, Areme eased the press of rough, knotted bark through the thin leather of his tunic

    There is too much information in the phrase that starts this sentence, and it all hangs from one participle, “shifting”. I’d suggest somethng like “Areme squirmed against the tree. Through his tunic the bark felt .. . or hurt . . . or something vivid.”

  2. # kateelliotton 08 Sep 2006 at 11:22 pm

    Linda, I haven’t read the earlier versions. This definitely piques my interest. I would read on. I agree with Kit’s comment about that one sentence.

  3. # Daniel Woodson 09 Sep 2006 at 9:03 pm

    Much better - huge improvement on the last version.
    Ditto Kit and Kate - that one sentence could be a little more concise, but otherwise nice work :).

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