Critique #81 Heather Robinson 2
Katharine Kerr September 12th, 2006
The council had spoken. It was time.
Harbenjur watched from within, taking the
opportunity to observe the woman without
interruption. She practiced alone, unaware of her
anonymous audience, the martial skill she had
learned from the Tamikaan many years before.
Despite the near decade she’d had without proper
tutelage, she did so with a fluid grace that was
as precise as it was powerful.
“She is a pawn in her own life.â€
On padded feet, Jagatti had joined him and as
usual summed up the situation nicely. For a
moment they were both silent.
“Understanding will be difficult.†Harbenjur
looked down at his companion, whom had chosen the
form of a rather large mountain lion. “Perhaps
just this once you could deign to don a more
appropriate guise.â€
Now this has a concrete genre feel right from the beginning.
Nits:
“it was time.” Very weak.
“unaware of her
anonymous audience, the martial skill she had” For a moment or two the reader thinks that the audience is the martial skill.
‘on padded feet’ — he could be in humanoid form and wearing thick shoes. If you want to hint at his lion form, you might substitute paws for feet.
“Despite the near decade she’d had without proper
tutelage, she did so .”
A few too many words to hang off of “despite.”
‘his companion, whom’ You want ‘who’ here, not ‘whom’. Companion is a direct object, but the relative pronoun is the subject of its own clause.
Nits aside, this is interesting, and I’d turn the page. Nits, unfortunately, matter to professional editors. Too many nits translate to “too much work” and “a lack of respect for the genre”.
Kit beat me to it, so I’ll just say: watch that grammar, but I am really hooked by this opening, and would definitely turn the page.
I like how aspects of the conflict are introduced through the brief conversational exchange between two characters.
For myself, I as a reader - because I like to be grounded physically in the setting - wouldn’t mind one line sketching out/describing where they are, or even just where they are in relation to each other. I’m sure more of that comes later, and it may come soon enough, so you have to be the judge of how quickly you want to place the reader within the physical scene.
What Kit, Sherwood and Kate said. It would be easier to read with paragraph breaks, FWIW.
One further nit:
In the second sentence “did so,” which refers back to “she practiced,” is distant enough from the original reference that it took me a moment to realize what you were saying. In such a situation, I’d recast the sentence to say “Despite the near decade she’d had without proper tutelage, she moved with a fluid grace that was… etc.” (or worked or some other verb that will draw my attention back to that first sentence).
But a promising start.