Critique #82 Kathleen Retterson Revision 2
Katharine Kerr September 16th, 2006
The smell was the worst part. The pain he expected;
he could deal with that. The succulent-meat smell of
his feet and legs roasting was another matter altogether.
Of all the job-related deaths Lee had suffered, this was
the most horrific  tied to a thick post and burned alive
by a horde of hyper-religious, xenophobic
aborigines on a backstar planet they called Earth.Â
It was going to be a _vreckin¹_ best seller. He had no
doubt of that — no doubt at all.
He¹d ride this snuff for all it was worth. He didn¹t
lock down the body¹s pain receptors, and he couldn¹t
override the olfactories (he¹d have to talk to his
bioengineer about that glitch). He just kept recording
the whole experience while he let himself scream and
thrash and retch. He forced himself to see the once-flesh
feathers of ash float in the bonfire¹s air currents  to
hear the burning wood creak and pop, the mob jeer and
curse.
He¹d capture it all  all for his devoted fans back
on Kasia. They were going to love it.
Kathleen, although there are nits that need picking (gods, what an image!) this is over all a bang-up opening.
In the first paragraph, notice how many ‘this/that was’ sentences you have. One is too many for a first para.
I suspect that number 1 by vreckin is actually an apostrophe, waylaid by whatever glitch keeps troubling your submissions. Since the word is in an alien language, it doesn’t need an apostrophe at all. I doubt if an alien language is going to form participles exactly like ours, and even if it did, I doubt twice that the local slang would change them as ours are changing. It’s obvious what the word means.
Have you ever heard the old Phil Ochs song about the crucifixion? One line is “do you have a picture of the pain?” This excerpt reminded me of that mightily, not that there’s anything wrong with it doing so.
Thanks for the nits. “Gotcha” on those. Especially the alien language. I was rationalizing it based on the “translation to English” thing but since I didn’t translate the word, I really can’t fall back on that argument!
I’m afraid I don’t know Phil Ochs . . . but I do like that quote!
Ordinarily I’d be outa there like a shot as I dislike horror and grossness, and at the beginning of a story where I haven’t invested anything in character, setting, or situation it’s usually a total turnoff, but the tone here caught me and kept me reading–the bit of humor, the idea that the guy isn’t really suffering though his body is going through all kinds of nastiness. I am very intrigued.
But what was said above about vreckin’–adding the apostrophe to an alien word we can’t apply English grammar rules to seems kind of coy.