Critique #84 — Orlanda
Kevin Andrew Murphy September 16th, 2006
Areme ignored the sweet metal scent of the corpse nailed to a nearby trunk. Currawongs plucked at its ribcage and eyes. Beaks punctured flesh, clacking against bone. Shifting slightly, Areme eased the press of knotted tree bark piercing his back through the thin leather of his tunic. He stared at the forest track, listening for the rumble of approaching wagons. At the first beat of hooves, his gaze strayed to his master.
Gierdor, with his three hanging chins, sat in shade cast by the carcass. Wrapped in a patched, straw-hued Omeran cloak, he looked fat, amiable, and poor – a beggar willing to sell a tale for coin. Only the first was true. This man was the wealthiest zingar in the kingdom; the wiliest slave trader and butcher in the business. What he couldn’t sell, he killed.
The corpse had been one of his men, not a thief caught by the King’s Guard and strung up as an example for the masses. Gierdor’s latest trick. Kill a man and display him like the Shetrian Guard did their victims. Etole had been weak, refusing to kill a child in their last raid. Now he paid the price.
Oh, I like this.
It’s been quite interesting to watch it evolve, too. Thank you for sharing it with us.
Orlanda–
First a note: Yes, I read the previous draft, but it’s late, I’m tired, and I can’t for the life of me remember which handle you sent the previous version under. So I will reiterate what we’ve said before: Submit your work using a first name and a last name and use the same ones consistently.
Now, on to the work (with a crabby editor):
As mentioned before, people with triple-chins do not make convincing beggars. Only the wealthy have the luxury of pigging out to the point where the Oompa-Loompas are about to roll them off to the juicing room. Yes, there are people who are naturally fat or thin, but in a medievalesque society, food is expensive and no beggar is going to get that fat.
That’s the second reality problem, however. The first is that corpse putrescence, while it does smell sweetish, does not smell metallic. You do not smell a rusty buick or a handful of wet pennies and go “Omigod, did something die?”
Currawongs are an Australian bird I’m not familiar with. Which doesn’t mean that you can’t have them pecking the flesh of the dead, just that it won’t have the folkloric resonance of ravens or crows. There is no English language folk ballad about “Twa Currawongs,” or at least not that I know of.
Beaks wouldn’t clack on bone in any case, however, since if there’s still enough flesh to each, there will be enough to muffle bone and beak clackage.
Bark is not knotted. It’s wood under the bark that’s knotted. And in any case, knots are round, not pointed, and wouldn’t pierce anyone’s back. Besides which, don’t have a metaphorical piercing within a sentence of a literal piercing. Our sympathy is still with the guy getting his flesh nibbled by the Currawongs, so we don’t have much for someone who’s merely uncomfortable, unless he’s actively tied to a tree for death-by-Currawong-nibbling.
Your viewpoint character is listening for rumbling wagons but hears hooves first. Either have him surmise these are mounted advance guard and the wagons are behind them or give some other thought as to why he hears the hooves before the rumble.
It’s a pretty macabre storytelling beggar that chooses a hanged man for a shade tree, and damned hopeful one at that. Most people avoid smelly corpses and hence the begging wouldn’t be too good.
This is a long roundabout of saying that this has most of what I remember having a problem with in the earlier draft, as well as some new troubles as well. I’m still vaguely intrigued, but am buying the scenario less and less as a reader, and after another unbelievable or inaccurate detail, I’d put it down, if not before.
Sorry.
Kevin’s pretty much said it all. The only thing I’ll add is that if you still want to have Gierdor as a fat character in shabby attire, it can’t be because he’s in disguise as a beggar (for all of the aforementioned reasons). However, you might be able to get away with saying he’s dressed LIKE ‘a beggar willing to sell his tale’ etc etc - you’d just have to clarify it pretty quickly with something words to the effect of ‘but appearances can be deceiving’ (though obviously not that) and then the zingar bit.
Actually, there’s a point - IS he in disguise as a beggar? That’s the way it came across to me (why else would one of the wealthiest men in the world - I presume - be dressed as a beggar?), but I could be wrong.
You’ve revised this a couple of times and I think this one is close if this is where you want to begin the story. (I still like it but I’m only one reader — you want to sell it, though so you need to consider the majority of reactions.)
But perhaps this might not be the most compelling place to start the story. Is the corpse image really important? Is this really where the story begins? Is this the moment where everything changes (or just a little bit before that moment? Maybe the story begins where Gierdor casually orders the man’s death for failing him and Areme coldly nails the guy to the tree. If you’re trying to illustrate Gierdor’s ruthlessness maybe an act of ruthless would be more compelling than a description of the aftermath. Just a thought.
Most stories begin with the good guys. It might not be clear enough that Areme and Gierdor are bad guys. Perhaps the bad-guy clues just aren’t making sense, so it’s annoying to folks trying to fit the clues into a good guy boxes. Another “just a thought.â€
It’s your story, though – and only you know where you are going with it. I’m intrigued, though (because I like stories about dark and wicked characters).
Snarks for me – I don’t know that scavengers are bold enough to snack with humans so close by. Currawongs eat fruit, not meat – and I vaguely remember a cute Barney song about them. I’m not sure about “metallic†either – sweet meat, yes, but I’ve no knowledge of a metallic smell in reference to freshly dead bodies.
Non-snarks for me. “Knotty†didn’t trouble me. Knots are rough protruberences where a branch or stem has broken off. A lot of the bark of eastern U. S. and European trees is rather “knotty.†There’s a fungus that causes bark to become quite knotty. But if the word is causing readers’ minds to go where you don’t want them to go, then you should consider changing the word. You want to convey that it’s comfortable to lean against (although why is this an important visual?).
Beaks will clack pretty quick on the skull, shoulders, clavicles, lower rib cage and posterior vertebrae.
Gierdor’s obesity also doesn’t trouble me. He’s a rich guy in disguise. His corpulence tells us that he’s a rich guy who flaunts his wealth (this may be why, despite hearing this ack before, Gierdor remains fat in your story). A problem could be that because he’s fat, his disguise might not be that great to the natives of your world. He might just be the kind of guy who doesn’t give a hoot if he convinces anyone. But if it’s important to the story that he travels incognito, then you have to consider that his obesity is a giveaway. It all boils down to why he’s traveling as beggar.
I think the thing that is snarking is that you are telling us that he “looked fat, amiable and poor” when, probably, to those of his time, only his clothing will make him look poor. He might look “well-fed,” or “like a man who was overly fond his mutton,” or he might be “trying to appear amiable and poor” but he might not “look poor” to a person who equates food with wealth.
I don’t get the sense that he’s really sitting there trying to be a convincing beggar, and so I take the fact that he’s masquerading as a beggar and in the meager shade of his kill as evidence that he’s a sick SOB.
As always, I don’t know where you’re going with this story – my comments could be off-base. So take what is useful and toss the rest.
Thanks guys,
For the record currawongs eat meat. They are scavengers. Our breeding pair that return every year regularly steal the mincemeat etc that we put out for the kookaburras. They also eat dead birds.
I stand corrected! (I thought they were magpie-type creatures and not scavengers.)
I’m going to say something different than the others. I think there is a lot to like in this scenario, although I agree there are still problems with how it is being presented.
For me it is very information dense right off the bat, and therefore with each sentence I’m adding images or new info to the point where I’m getting overwhelmed. Can you slow down the presentation a bit?
Also: is the story complete (that is, do you have the whole thing written)?
hehehe
magpies eat meat too.
I chose currawongs because they are bold and are carrion eaters. (Carrion - the dead and putrefying body or flesh of animals.) And ravens and crows are so cliche.
yes - Kathleen - you nailed it - Gierdor doesn’t really give a toss whether he looks poor - he’s contriving to stop the wagons long enough for his men to shoot all the drivers/outriders/travellers with crossbows/normal bows etc.
He’s more likely to stop them preciseley because he IS fat - that means he’s recently fallen to a poor state - so more interesting and safe - why would a fat guy be sitting under a corpse - that would be a tale worth hearing to the travellers. People always like tales of woe. Yes he’s a sick SOB.
Yes - the whole thing is written (and rewritten and rewritten). Believe it or not, I don’t just rewrite the first 13 lines. grin
I need him fat for several reasons - one of which(the least important) is to keep the following line.
Areme shook his head. Never trust a fat man. They won with guile what lean men won with steel.
The story begins after the wagons stop. Everything changes when Areme chases an escapee - a child - and has to kill her, which he does sort of, despite misgivings. It turns out she is a ‘witch’ whose mission is to reform him.
I need the lead in to set the scene, and establish the parameters of Areme’s relationship with Gierdor and the other men and show he is really, really low in the hierarchy.
With the amount of death that happens several paras further on from the first 13 lines, it’s hard to go back and start with one, which would obviously have to be Areme killing the man who is the corpse.
He’s the good guy in the story - it just takes him a while to get there.