Every intake of breath made him feel lightheaded and ill. Then he was there… Since the previous paragraph described the corridor in some detail, it feels as if something got left out by not mentioning the POV’s movement through the room, even if the mention was brief.

He straightened up…; He involuntarily shuddered…; as he sat down… In all of these cases, I’m not immediately sure if “he” is the POV character or the new boy.

“For an arrest warrant? I don’t normally handle those,” Given the context, this doesn’t make sense to me. I need more information to understand this exchange.

An old radio fizzed out as he sat down… My impression is that there is a cause/effect connection between the radio going out and him sitting down. If this isn’t the case, I might reword it. As Sherwood pointed out, the radio is the grammatical subject of the sentence, which leads to confusion about the hands.

I’ve been checking out how my favorite authors communicate their stories clearly, and it’s really been helping me out a lot. I recommend studying grammar too, (although I’ll admit I’ve been putting it off myself). I am intrigued by your story—I’d like to find out what happens next.

This has to be the second time that’s happened to me on the internet. :/ I meant this: : x

Daniel Woods: The main character’s not a boy, though, looking back at it, I can see where you’re coming from. He doesn’t act much like an adult, does he? As far as the weirdness goes, this *is* Sci-fi/Fantasy/Mystery, but if it turns you (and tchernabyelo) off I must have been pushing the envelope too far, too fast.

tchernabyelo: I tend not to give names straight off the bat, but I’ll keep it in mind (as well as the other points you listed) for the future.

Vivian Francis: Really, you can be as detailed as you’d like. I’ve no qualms against it. The ‘numbered’ bit is actually a leftover from a previous draft; the main character was in a hotel before he, um…found the boy… … I must write and speak vaguely for a living. *headdesk*

Sherwood Smith: The execution bothered me, too. I *knew* I had to begin the story with the door and the shabby corridor, but as it isn’t working too well I’ve backed the story up a bit.

Thank you for the responses. I couldn’t, for the life of me, figure out *exactly* what was wrong with it. Guess I was too distracted with the mystery element, while trying to cram in too many details in the process. Revision number six, here I come….

How can sunbeams extend out of archway? That implies a sun standing on the other side of the arch, with rays held out like arms.

Finally, the last sentence made me think the old radio had hands and wore a cut to be tugged at.

The numbered door… Is “numbered” necessary information for the scene? I think the sentence might be more focused—and stronger—without its inclusion.

Nothing about the area was remotely similar to the one he left. For most of this paragraph, the main topic is a description of the hallway he is about to enter. In this last sentence, you add a “new” topic: his previous location. Starting the sentence with the “old” topic and progressing to the “new” helps with the transition. However, I think the word “area” isn’t precise enough for easy comprehension—something like room/hallway/corridor would help ease the transition. Similarly, “the one he left” is also pretty vague. I feel this “new” topic needs to be more fully articulated—otherwise its existence, its purpose, is unclear.

He crept forward… Again, I think this part would be more clear if it were more precise—in this case by including the information that he is creeping forward through the doorway. This would transition us from the “previous location” back to the hallway. It also sets up—and strengthens—the inclusion of the door locking at the end of the sentence.

Okay, it’s bedtime, but I come back later to finish up. I hope it’s okay I’m being so detailed.

I’m sorry, but I’d put this one aside.

I’ve gotta say, this really confused me. Boy walks through numbered door into shabby room and through shining archway, then meets second boy (who has magic wine-making powers) in a third inexplicable room and is denied an arrest warrent he didn’t ask for? I’m afraid I can’t give you much of any use in the plot dept, because I tend to switch off if things get TOO weird (which for me, they did).

So, here’s some grammar instead. I think your opening pragraph is pretty much ok (though I think there should be a couple of ‘had’s in there - ‘remotely similar to the one he had left’ etc), but in the second you’ve got ‘footsteps creaking’. Unless this guy’s got some pretty serious osteoporosis, it’s not the footsteps that creak (maybe the floor underneath him, or his shoes etc).
‘Every intake of breath…’ - I think the ‘intake of’ is unnecessary, but it’s not too bad.
‘Then he was there…’ - oh, here’s a plot point. I know you’re trying to emphasise the fact that he arrives at the archway sooner than he’d like, but it seems to happen instantly. He’s only just gone through the door, and then suddenly he’s at the end of the room. That gave me a bit of a jolt when I was reading it - I went back to check that I hadn’t missed out a line or something.
’surprisingly tidy warm living room’ - either put an ‘and’ between ‘tidy’ and ‘warm’, or get rid of one of them (I’d suggest chucking the ‘warm’).

Sorry, that’s not hugely useful.