Critique #91: Theo Neel
Katharine Kerr October 13th, 2006
Toaster. That’s what they call me. The Department of Social
Services and Family Preservation placed me here six months
ago, and they — the family I’m with, that is — haven’t given me
a proper name yet, unless you count “toaster.” But if you count
toaster, you’d have to count metal-head, bucket of bolts, piece of
shit, hey you and Dolores.
But what’s in a name, Shakespeare said. It doesn’t matter to me.
Named or not named, my job is the same:Â “preserve the family unit
by assuring children’s safety and helping the family maintain
self-sufficiency.”
“Hey toaster! Have you seen my geometry book?” George, the ten-
year old shouts with a mouthful of peanut butter and jelly
sandwich.
I’ve learned that he’s not asking me if I have comprehended the
book with my visuals. He’s asking me if I know its location. (I
learned that nuance of language by having a pot thrown at me; the
pot did not survive the lesson intact.)
Hey Theo.
Well, I thought this was quite funny (as such, I hope it was meant to be). If I’ve got it right, the concept is interesting (robot/cyborg etc sent to keep order in a family), and I’d certainly turn the page.
Only a couple of things. Firstly, I’m still note quite sure whether the main character is a bog-standard robot, or maybe a cyborg (I think I’ve got the terminology right - cyborg being a robot with a human brain, or something?). It seems to be a robot because of the whole ‘have you seen my geometry book’ thing, but then why would a robot be quoting Shakespeare? Indeed, why would a robot lament the lack of a ‘proper name’ in the first place? Then again, I suppose if it’s AI it might well have feelings too… sorry, I’m just thinking aloud now.
The only other thing was ‘count metal-head, bucket of bolts, piece of shit, hey you and Dolores’. Though I liked it, ‘piece of shit’ did seem out of place to me - it’s the one and only swear word, and it’s surrounded by far more innocuous names like ‘bucket of bolts’. I always think you have to start as you mean to go on when it comes to swearing, and I highly doubt that people who would say ‘piece of shit’ would also say ‘bucket of bolts’.
Nevertheless, I liked this.
I like the light tone of this. You set the scene pretty well. The only quibble I think I have is the mention of “comprehended the book with my visuals”. Comprehended felt like the wrong word. But highlighting that human imprecision of language is perfect.
I’d read on.
Theo,
I liked this, esp. the incident in the last two paragraphs.
There are two big topics in the second paragraph (how The POV feels about not having a name, except bad ones, and his purpose in life). I might consider giving both topics a little more elaboration, to give them their full potential. Right now, I feel like they are a little bit squashed.
“…you’d have to count metal-head, bucket of bolts, piece of
shit, hey you and Dolores.” You could try listing the names so they build up to the most intense (funniest, meanest) at the end. I don’t know if I’m missing a reference with Dolores.
I liked this a whole lot–the tone is nifty, the set-up interesting. Not too much detail, but enough to make the situation clear. I was hooked by “Toaster” and stayed hooked until the end.
Hooked by the first word! You can’t beat that!
It’s definitely an exciting and interesting opening. I look forward to reading more.