Comments on: Critique #91: Theo Neel

By: Erin Underwood

Erin Underwood — Wed, 18 Oct 2006 13:22:01 +0000

Hooked by the first word! You can’t beat that!
It’s definitely an exciting and interesting opening. I look forward to reading more.

By: Sherwood Smith

Sherwood Smith — Wed, 18 Oct 2006 02:27:29 +0000

I liked this a whole lot–the tone is nifty, the set-up interesting. Not too much detail, but enough to make the situation clear. I was hooked by “Toaster” and stayed hooked until the end.

By: Vivian Francis

Vivian Francis — Mon, 16 Oct 2006 04:35:02 +0000

Theo,

I liked this, esp. the incident in the last two paragraphs.

There are two big topics in the second paragraph (how The POV feels about not having a name, except bad ones, and his purpose in life). I might consider giving both topics a little more elaboration, to give them their full potential. Right now, I feel like they are a little bit squashed.

“…youâ€™d have to count metal-head, bucket of bolts, piece of
shit, hey you and Dolores.” You could try listing the names so they build up to the most intense (funniest, meanest) at the end. I don’t know if I’m missing a reference with Dolores.

By: tchernabyelo

tchernabyelo — Sun, 15 Oct 2006 16:06:49 +0000

I like the light tone of this. You set the scene pretty well. The only quibble I think I have is the mention of “comprehended the book with my visuals”. Comprehended felt like the wrong word. But highlighting that human imprecision of language is perfect.

I’d read on.

By: Daniel Woods

Daniel Woods — Sat, 14 Oct 2006 13:14:05 +0000

Hey Theo.

Well, I thought this was quite funny (as such, I hope it was meant to be). If I’ve got it right, the concept is interesting (robot/cyborg etc sent to keep order in a family), and I’d certainly turn the page.

Only a couple of things. Firstly, I’m still note quite sure whether the main character is a bog-standard robot, or maybe a cyborg (I think I’ve got the terminology right - cyborg being a robot with a human brain, or something?). It seems to be a robot because of the whole ‘have you seen my geometry book’ thing, but then why would a robot be quoting Shakespeare? Indeed, why would a robot lament the lack of a ‘proper name’ in the first place? Then again, I suppose if it’s AI it might well have feelings too… sorry, I’m just thinking aloud now.

The only other thing was ‘count metal-head, bucket of bolts, piece of shit, hey you and Dolores’. Though I liked it, ‘piece of shit’ did seem out of place to me - it’s the one and only swear word, and it’s surrounded by far more innocuous names like ‘bucket of bolts’. I always think you have to start as you mean to go on when it comes to swearing, and I highly doubt that people who would say ‘piece of shit’ would also say ‘bucket of bolts’.

Nevertheless, I liked this.