Critique #94 — Rhiannon Rose
Kevin Andrew Murphy November 1st, 2006
After eating the demon, Lawrence felt excellent. He had followed the
recipe in the book almost exactly, first decapitating the demon
(despite the demon’s vivid protests), and then simmering the chopped
meat in a large pot for an hour. The stew had smelled so strongly of
rot that he stirred in some curry spices. They didn’t help.
Lawrence ate the stew anyway, of course, and it made him feel
surprisingly good, despite the persistent bitter aftertaste. Now,
standing in the bathroom, staring at the mirror, he was sure that this
was the start of a new era. The book had promised immorality, eternal
youth, power… other than the bitter taste, though, and a vague sense
of accomplishment, he still felt human.
Rhiannon,
I’d drop the “spices” after “curry” but aside from that, this is a fun read and definitely something I’d turn the page on.
Hey Rhiannon.
The only thing I noticed was the repeated use of ‘the demon’ - you could put an ‘it’ or something in there to vary it a little. Other than that, nice opening - I’d turn the page :).
Do you mean immorality or immortality? The former is actually rather slyly clever.
Also, do you mean “almost exactly” or “exactly”? If you mean “exactly,” then you can probably cut both words. If you mean “almost exactly” then perhaps there is a reason you want to leave it as is.
I would also keep reading.
I meant immortality, but I think I’ll leave it as immorality.
Thank you very much for the input!
Yes, I wondered about the “immorality” line - it does actually work as a nice sly twist on what is otherwise a cliche.
It’s a nice hook, but you could do with giving us a bit more detail, I think. We really need to be relishing (so to speak) this idea of eating a demon. Don’t talk about “some curry spices” - name them. This is just crying out for that sort of vivid detail to make the story really come alive.
The first sentence doesn’t quite work for me. Arguably you tip the hand too much by saying “after eating the demon”, and “excellent” somehow felt an odd word choice for how he felt. Magnificant… powerful… transformed… there are a lot of possibilities, but “excellent” is more a quality I tend to associate with inanimate objects (it was an excellent stew) than actually feeling (can’t remember having ever thought “I feel excellent today”).
I would probably read on, for now…
If you’re going to keep “immorality” (and Kate’s right–it’s a nice, sly twist on a cliche), put it last in the list of attributes, where it has the most impact and can act as a subtle punchline.
personally i’m not a fan of the ‘immorality’ twist. why would someone seek immorality? i’m afraid it will just cause confusion for your readers.
Rhiiiiiiiiiii~ I found you! :3
Anyway, how are protests “vivid”? I always associtated that word with colors and visuals. Also, you’re missing some past perfect tense in there in places; it should be “he had stirred in some curry spices,” “they hadn’t helped,” etc. Be consistent!
With grammar out of the way… It’s a beginning that I would continue reading to find out more about, but I find it a little difficult to swallow the juxtaposition of his feeling “excellent” and “surprisingly good” after eating the demon and his still feeling human at the same time. He feels as if it’s working, but then again, he doesn’t. I dunno. You should either make the juxtaposition clearer as such, or make it a little less obvious, or give it a little more time to happen in. Something like that, at least.