Critique #97 — Chris O’Donnell #2
Kevin Andrew Murphy January 14th, 2007
 “Why?â€
  “We’ve been over this before, Zinc. We need help!â€
  “Yes I know, but why the humans?â€
  “Because they have the strength of the Battle Wardens.†As Grandle said this, he walked out onto the temple’s enormous stone balcony overlooking the vast wilderness.
  “So we are to place our trust in humans. And when they betray us again, then what?†questioned the shapeshifter as he followed the wizard outside.
  Grandle gazed out over the western mountains. But his wearied mind was reflecting over the past centuries. He was thinking of his people, the Horakay, a dwarf-like people devoted to the service of the gods. He was thinking of how they once lived in their glorious city, Luka. And he was also thinking of how that city was destroyed. Finally he said, almost as a whisper, “That was a long time ago. Things have changed.â€
Zinc, sensing the old wizard’s pain and wanting to vex him no more, put his hand on his friend’s shoulder and conceded, “I will do as you ask.†Though his outer features looked human-like, Zinc’s heart always remained true to his shapeshifter heritage. And so, saying no more to each other, Zinc leaped off the edge of the balcony, unfurled his massive white wings, and was off in search of the traitorous human race.
Chris,
I just went back to reread your original and my comments, then took a look at what you’ve done here.
It’s good that you’ve given us a bit more of a visual on the characters, but there’s a saying in writing which is “Show, don’t tell” and the related “Imply, don’t show.”
I don’t much care for “dwarf-like” race, simply because it raises the question of whether there are dwarves as a race for there to be another race like them or what. Why not pygmies?
Anyway, rather than a long flashback to the history of the dwarf-like empire, why not just simply mention the perspective difference between the two characters as they talk? The shorter stride as the mentor goes to the railing? The fact that the balcony has a railing, which will either be inconveniently high for the dwarf to look over, or else dangerously low for any taller folk who run the risk of falling past it.
Your shapeshift, since he has wings (or at least can) should possibly be noting how this balcony is a good launching place.
As Kate and Sherwood said before, there is a good conflict set up her, but there’s also a lot of trouble in the technical details.
I’m with Kevin. Can you show us the details more viscerally? Also, if he’s thinking about his people, surely, surely he’s not labeling them “a dwarf-like people”…