Critique #98 — Taensray Lewins
Kevin Andrew Murphy January 14th, 2007
Dust glittered brightly as it leapt down from the walls of the tunnel like vultures descending upon the dead. Sunlight, shining through small holes in the roof of the tunnel, cast deep shadows across the many interlocked passageways. Lichen and moss of many different assortments and colours clung, green and damp, to the countless small rocks that lay undisturbed on the secret paths, forgotten now, between the numerous rooms of the Palace and the Quarters of the Magi in the Academy at Farstruck.
Breathing lightly, a man walked the corridor-like tunnels.
Dressed in shadowy robes of the best Anvern silk, embossed with the crest of a Mage-staff of light and feather crossed like swords-dark hood veiling the face, the man walked softly through the cramped passageways that once had been used in times of war centuries ago, but now lost to all except a few of the most trusted, had become the means for more sinister happenings.
If this is meant to be a comedy, those attack-dust motes leaping from walls and tearing into…something?…like vultures on a corpse are a pretty funny image.
But if they are not, you need to think about making metaphor and simile serve the story, and not run away with it. Be precise, if you can–what, for example, is a corridor-like tunnel? Aren’t corridors and tunnels essentially the same, and if not, give us visuals (but perhaps decide first why we need to know).
Your paragraph beginning with “dressed” has some severe grammar problems making it difficult to understand what you want me, as reader, to see. Surely the man is not embossed with the crest of a Mage-staff of light? And what does feather crossed like swords mean? How can a hood veil his face? Veils you see through, or do you mean he’s walking along with a see-through hood pulled over his face, and if so, who is seeing him?
Then I want to know ‘a few of the most trusted’ by whom? In other words, who is the narrator here, whose POV are we in? I’d like to see more of a hint of story than a man walking, inspite of all that detail on his surroundings and clothing.
Pretty much what Sherwood said. I like lush descriptions, but these were muddled and inaccurate, since dust doesn’t leap, and while it may drift slowly like vultures, it doesn’t land on things and peck them. And rocks that have lichen generally do not also have much moss. Boulders, maybe, but lichen likes dry airy places while moss likes it damp. Plus, if there’s dust, there’s probably not moss.
This has the feeling of someone whose picked their descriptions from having read fantasy novels rather than observing the details of reality. Dusty tunnels with holes for sunlight and rocks with both moss and lichen? And this was designed as a wizards university but a single man walking down the hallway finds it cramped? What on earth did they do back in the day when there were multiple students trying to get through both ways? Squash against the walls?
If it’s a servant’s corridor or a secret passage, some cramping is possible, but it still needs to be able to be used for some function.
As this stands, I’m not interested enough to turn the page. If it were cleaned up, however, I might pay attention.
Understood!
I sent the 13-liner in before Christmas and having had the time away from it since then have been able to realsie what it is-utter rubbish!
And yes…the stuff about moss and lichen…a fairly ill conceived piece of writing, that, much like the tunnel-like corridoor (!) leads nowhere!
New idea! Comedy. And from what some friend’s have said: a lot better! At least, I hope…
Anyway thanks, and sorry to have wasted your time!
Taensray, it is never a waste of time unless the feedback is not helpful. One of the things I struggle with all the time is how to make words fit the images I see: I write fast, but dashing down words doesn’t always convey the right image, but how am I going to know unless someone reads it cold and tells me what they see? You might be a visual writer like me, so while it is a pinch to find out a scene didn’t work, at least it can give one a sense of what to fix and how to fix it. I hope! Do try again, please!
I agree with what Sherwood and Kevin said, and especially want to reiterate what Sherwood said that it is never a waste of time if the feedback is helpful.
My two cents: slow down. You have a strong visual imagination. Slow down a bit, make sure you don’t double up metaphors and similes or pile them on too quickly (that’s confusing). That will allow that powerful underpinning (from reading this I get the impression that you SEE and FEEL this scene vividly) to emerge for us, the readers, as well.
Okay-and thankyou.